My Descent Into Alcoholism…

Sorry, I still wouldn’t categorize myself as such. Although today, or rather, yesterday at precisely 5:30 pm I and several friends began chugging. Four movies later, and we’re still drinking. In fact, we may continue to drink until the party tonight. The problem  is beer.

At this particular stage in our lives, it is nigh impossible to get “to” drunk off of beer. And I would like to dedicate this post to broke college students everywhere, who in their youthful hubris, make the mistake of thinking a couple of cases will negate the need for hard liquor.

Let us prove once and for all (via questionable assumptions, and using today/tonight as an example), that you should never leave the tequila on the shelf at the store.

One handle of Jack: Thirty-five dollars. Split between four guys, and consumed within a reasonable time period (two-three hours), will leave us with liquor left over, and four passed out guests. But did we take that simple route? No.

Instead, TEN HOURS, three and a half cases of beer, cigarettes, B-movies, and Mcdonalds… have left us with nothing more than churning stomachs, crystal clear urine, headaches, and a general feeling of sickness.

An average of 2 beers an hour is simply not enough. Even doing our particular version of the simpson’s movie drinking game (Drink: Every time you see homer, any time there is a scene change involving homer, anytime homer is on the screen for more than fifteen seconds) at the start of the night, where beers disappear at shot-gunning speeds… it just wasn’t enough.

One of these days we will realize: you simply cannot substitute beer for liquor (but you can substitute ghetto-wine).

I assure you, our livers look forward to that day.